Busy Nothings

I had no idea that infertility baggage does not disappear with the birth of a long-awaited baby. I am learning to just go with the flow, not really sure what each milestone will bring. Today was one of those days. The first couple Mother’s Days after we were married weren’t so bad. We were trying, but weren’t really concerned. By the time the 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th Mother’s Days came and went I had learned to avoid them and anything to do with them (other than call my own mother, of course). I skipped church because the emphasis was on mothers. Didn’t go shopping because I was tired of people wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day when I had no kids in tow. Well, I didn’t realize that “unblocking” it wouldn’t come right away either. Instead I’ve spent the day thinking about friends who are still waiting for that blessing, praying for them, hoping they wouldn’t have to wait much longer. It was over 7 years of waiting, praying, doctors, tests, more doctors, more tests and that seemed like an eternity. In the meantime our siblings seemed to get pregnant over and over and over again, each time a painful reminder of what we didn’t have. Then there were those we knew who got pregnant too easily, who weren’t married, or who didn’t want to be pregnant. How could God be so unfair? We attempted adoption, but the door was quickly closed when medical bills and car repairs drained our adoption savings. So I bottled up my emotions and avoided Mother’s Day.
This year I couldn’t do that, nor did I need to. But it’s been hard to let myself have a Mother’s Day. The emotions have been up and down today–loving my baby, thinking about those who are still longing for theirs, praying that the Lord would bless them with children to mother. Maybe next year their wait will be over. I’ll just keep praying.