Busy Nothings

So many people have been praying for the Lord to bless us with a baby, my young nieces and nephews included. I don’t think I could even pinpoint the origination of all those prayers–I recently found out my sister-in-law’s mom’s group has been praying for us for years!

Well, God has answered all those prayers. We’re now 17 weeks pregnant with our “miracle” baby. According to the test results taken only weeks prior to us finding out, the 150 mg. of Clomid wasn’t working and my progesterone level was really low. No one’s sure when or how I ovulated. Once we found out, the doctor immediately put me on Prometrium as the chances of a miscarriage were high. Thankfully the danger has passed and we’re still pregnant! And very, very sick 24/7. I’ve been on Zofran steadily the past 5 weeks and I wish I’d been on it sooner. It’s the only thing that works to calm the intense nausea.

It was hard for me to decide when and how to blog about this. The pain of infertility is still very real, and some days I still can’t believe I’m pregnant. Although we’re excited and happy, I know all too well the pain of people seemingly flaunting their pregnancies and babies at me and hearing mothers in the store flippantly implying they’d give away their kids. I don’t want to be either of those women. Seemingly endless infertility treatments makes me treasure this baby even more. It’s been a long, hard road.

My brother told his young children who have been praying for their Auntie to have a baby that God answered their prayer. What a witness to them! My 4 yr. old nephew got really excited and his exclamation is the title of this post.

Today the results came back from my latest blood test. My progesterone level was at 1.8. If I had ovulated, it should be around 10. Very disheartening. The doctor is hoping that by increasing the Clomid ovulation will occur. While not feeling hopeless, I can’t deny that I’m very, very disappointed.

Tonight my heart is lighter than it has been in months. Our tests came back favorable for Clomid! I start tomorrow, take it for 5 days, and go back for tests again on March 3. Hopefully the progesterone level will show I’ve ovulated! But it’s taken us almost a year with this doctor to finally get to this point. She explained to me that each step has tweaked hormones and Clomid will be the final tweaking. We appreciate your continued prayers, and hope that soon we’ll be able to report that we’re pregnant!

I don’t blog about infertility much, which I’ve been meaning to. Just seems too painful to talk about. I’m oversensitive to things–like the fact that my sister-in-law got pregnant the first time they tried, or the fact that I have 10 nieces and nephews and no kids of my own.
My mom asked me tonight how things were going. I’ve been on metformin for months now and no real signs of ovulation. If I’m still not ovulating by February, the doc is going to put me on Clomid as well.
“Is that a–what do you call them–fertility drug?” Mom asked.
“Yes,” I answered. “It promotes ovulation.”
“Is there a down side to that?”
“Well, there is the possibility of multiple births,” I replied.
My mom started laughing. “I guess that’s one way to catch up,” she said. I started laughing too. I had never thought of that, and even now am still giggling at the thought.

Personal struggles are never easy, and triggers for the pain those struggles cause seem to be everywhere. Our struggle with infertility is no exception. Everywhere we go, without even looking, there is some reminder of the pain we feel of wanting so desperately to be parents and not understanding why that blessing is being withheld from us.
Sunday was an example of this. I was sitting at the organ bench, shortly after the first verse of the second hymn, when in walked a family with their two children and their newborn baby girl, only a week old. I’m not sure I could describe the jolt of pain that went through me right then. I remembered immediately a potluck Lenten supper earlier this year where the grandmother of the children was telling everyone how her daughter was embarrassed and humiliated that she was pregnant again. They were taking two birth control steps to prevent a pregnancy, and she did not want a third child. I’m sure as the months past her attitude changed towards her unborn baby, but the sting of that reality–that someone who didn’t want another baby could so easily get pregnant even while trying to prevent it–was reawakened when I saw them with their new baby girl.
We continue to pray and pray and pray for the blessing of a child, and still my arms are empty. My husband, who used to get excited about the possibility, now avoids going near a store’s baby department because it is too painful. We witness parents who verbally mistreat or neglect their children in the stores and immediately judge them as being unfit parents. There is a fine line between sin in our reactions and the pain that comes with infertility. So far we’ve found that avoiding anything to do with pregnancy and babies is least painful and the surest way of avoiding those sinful pitfalls. I have a wonderful friend at church who feels the same pain and who has been married 20+ years as opposed to our 6. She’s been a blessing to me, showing me how life does go on and can be just as rewarding without children, although I continue to pray that won’t be the case with us. We’ve also been daily reading from this book which has helped immensely by assuring us that we are not alone in our struggle. For now we cling to the hope that someday we will be parents and keep praying for a child.

Happy Mother’s Day to Mom and Ma–both great moms to me and my hubby!

It is hard not to be selfishly bitter today, though. The struggles of infertility have made me super-sensitive to things like Mother’s Day and women who are pregnant, and lately it seems like all women around me either have children or are pregnant–even one of our ghost shrimp is pregnant!

My husband and I started this devotion book which has helped already to not feel like we’re the only ones going through this.

It’s amazing the responses you get when you answer someone’s “How many children do you have?” with “I am not physically able to have children right now.” Most of the time I am then asked, “What about invitro?” It’s interesting how society today pushes IVF, yet not surprising. Many insurance companies, including ours, will pay for fertility treatments including IVF. Yet upon further research I’ve discovered that with my Christian faith and values there is absolutely no way I could ever consider it, even if it’s covered by insurance. Here are some scary truths about IVF.

1. The cost of one treatment of IVF is between $10,000-$20,000 with about a 15% success rate each time. Some centers claim a 45% success rate, but that’s after repeated attempts. The average cost of adopting an orphan from another country? $10,000-$30,000 at about a 90% success rate. That’s pretty much a no brainer for me. Insurance won’t cover adoption, but there is a $10,000 tax credit which to me when you figure in all the fertility meds and copays comes out to about the same.
2. The lab fertilizes eggs with multiple sperm (conception in a petri dish as my hubby calls it), than incubate them for 3-5 days. They will classify those embryos (read babies) from the lowest chance of pregnancy (1) to the highest chance of pregnancy (4). They implant only the #4 babies. The rest, already 3-5 days old, are destroyed. In all my research, I haven’t found a lab that will implant all of the babies because there is a high risk of multiple births. There is absolutely no way I could allow 3-5 day old babies to be murdered. Another no brainer.
3. Even if I could ethically do the IVF, the embryos (again, read babies) must be implanted when the woman is ovulating in order for them to “take.” Since at the present moment I’m stuck in the post-ovulation part of the cycle, it wouldn’t work anyway.

The sad thing about it is that most people don’t consider the 3-5 day embryos to be babies, just cells that happen to be growing and splitting. Yet to me there is no difference between that and a baby who was born 3-5 days ago. I got to hold my newborn nephew when he was only 4 days old. I could no more consider killing those 3-5 day old embryo babies than killing a newborn 3-5 day old baby. This is how our society rationalizes IVF being a positive option when really it isn’t all that different to me from abortion.

You know how when you’re really sensitive about something you are affected by it wherever you are? That’s how I’ve been the past couple weeks. I thought I was okay with the whole not having children right now thing until I was down south. Suddenly not only was I surrounded by babies, but found out two friends of mine were pregnant, one hadn’t even been trying very long. It was one of those “I’m happy for you, but sad for me” kind of responses. Then last night a member of our congregation reported that her daughter was pregnant and was embarrassed by it–she didn’t want another baby and was on birth control to prevent it. Not only that, she only has one fallopian tube and was told her chances of conceiving were decreased 60% by that alone. After church I went to JoAnn’s where I overheard a woman saying she was pregnant but just not ready for it. Why are people who don’t want children blessed with them when my husband and I being married nearly 6 years have no possibility of that right now?
We met with our Pastor today and I was relieved to hear that these feelings are good if I want to be a mom someday. In fact, he said that if I wasn’t sensitive to these types of conversations and could just shrug off the fact we don’t have kids yet he’d be worried about what kind of mother I would be. So we cried and prayed and we’ll keep crying and praying and maybe someday I’ll have a much happier post on my blog.